Five Times Near Shocked Mello
by whitehoney
Summary: ...or 'Near and sexual innuendo'.


**A/N: **AU fic? Credit to my friend for the idea! I hope you like it.

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**Five times Near shocked Mello**

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**I**

The first time Near managed to shock Mello into silence was on his birthday.

Mello's, to be precise. His thirteenth.

He'd been having a party, right? Near _had_ to be there; all the orphans did. But no matter where he looked, Mello couldn't find him. His room, under the beds, the cupboards—well, it wasn't like he was really _looking _for the little freak, anyway. He was much more concerned with the prese—hey. Had Near gotten him anything?

Where the hell _was_ Near, anyway?

The day dragged on. Mello spent most of it outside, save when Roger called for cake. It was good, of course—but _where _was Near? Mello stewed in his anger until almost nine o'clock. _He'd _had to play nice on _Near's _birthday—even if his present _had_ been a little albino rat and even if Near _had _thanked him softly and…almost pleased?…despite the fact that Mello _knew _he was allergic to rats.

Near had _known _it would annoy Mello…!!

And it had. Mello stormed, again, into Near's room, fully prepared to wait until the white-haired boy was back. _Near _should have been forced to stay there on Mello's birthday! Mello helped himself to a seat on Near's bed.

"Ah," came a quiet voice, "Mello. I was just preparing your present."

Mello whirled around in shock to face a chocolate-coated Near.

"I apologise for taking so long," said Near and a tiny frown appeared on his face. "Roger has informed me that presents are supposed to be given at the _start _of one's day."

"Wh—what?" Mello managed to utter. "What in the _hell_, Near?"

This time the frown on Near's face was definite. His face was all that could be seen, anyway, through the…liquid chocolate?…that soaked him from head to toe. "Well, I know you like chocolate, Mello…"

"That doesn't mean I like it _on _you!" Mello shouted angrily. Near blinked back at him obliviously and Mello half-screamed in rage. "GOD, NEAR! Why couldn't you have given me a _normal _present?"

Mello blushed furiously as he stormed away.

-

**II**

The second time Near managed to shock Mello was…well, rather less significant the first, but it still stuck out in his mind all the same. It was a year after the first incident, which technically made the little brat a year older, although you wouldn't have known it.

"Near," said Mello scornfully and he looked down at the other boy with his action figures. "…Optical Pride _again_, huh?"

"…" Near didn't even bother to look at him. "I assume you're referring to the toy, Mello, in which case his name is Optimus Prime."

"You'd know that, wouldn't you?" This also—perhaps rather unsurprisingly—failed to evoke a reaction. Mello scowled and kicked at the ground, inadvertently crushing the head of a soft (toy) kitty. Near glanced at it briefly.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't touch my things," he stated, although nothing in his voice suggested he minded either way. It was an ugly cat anyway, Mello decided. Even a moron like _Near _couldn't care for something like _that_. Now, even as he pushed away the action figures, he didn't seem particularly bothered by it. "Although…Would _you_ like to play with my toys, Mello?"

It wasn't even the words that disturbed Mello. It was…the way Near's eyes widened innocently, raising to meet Mello's own for once, as though he knew just what he was thinking; the way his lower lip stuck out; the—_That…damn…_brat!Of course he knew!

"NEAR!" Mello shrieked. "ENOUGH WITH YOUR STUPID GAMES! I'LL—I'LL TELL ROGER; I'LL TELL _L_—" He sucked in a breath sharply and glared at the white-haired boy.

"…Mello." Near had the gall to look _disappointed_, the little freak. "I wanted someone to act in lieu of Megaton." He leaned over—gah, he was going to touch—no, he picked up the other action figure, waving it in the air. "I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable—I'm unsure as to what I could have done."

Mello stared at him, mouth open. Christ. Near _did _look apologetic, hands folded in his lap, eyes still widened in—

"…Whatever," muttered Mello. He made sure to tromp on the action figures as he left.

-

**III**

The third time Mello was asleep.

He should have been, anyway._ He'd _always gone to sleep at an appropriate hour. _He'd _never had a problem with staying up until four freaking am with puzzles and Lego and—

Well. The third time took place a few years after the last. It was after L's death and Mello knew he wasn't safe. He was aware that _nothing _about his job was safe and he was _especially _aware that that included Near. Despite the fact that Mello hadn't seen him in a good few years, he knew, he _knew_ that Near was the same white-haired bastard he'd always been. Calling himself _L_? The _nerve_…!

(And so what if Mello had been the one who'd left? So what if Mello had suggested Near be L? Near should have _known_!)

To clarify things, the third incident took place a short time after Sayu Yagami's kidnapping and after Lidner's. Mello had been asleep—_as he damn well _should _have been, thank you_!—when he felt the hand clamp over his mouth, waking him at once. His first instinct was to reach for his gun, until he realized that his hands were tied together. He lifted his head up angrily, struggling against the ropes. "I'm going to fucking—_Near_?" His jaw dropped as he saw the white head that was poking over the sheets.

"Mello, I have taken your example and I am kidnapping you," the other stated flatly. The head disappeared again as he crawled off the bed, landing on the floor with a soft _thump _and nodded towards…the _fuck_…? "Gevanni, if it's not too much trouble, please loosen Mello's ropes. He looks quite uncomfortable."

Mello couldn't do anything but gape as the other man stepped forward obediently. The S.P.K. agent at least had the grace to look embarrassed. "Does…this feel okay?" he inquired, adjusting the rope against Mello's left wrist. The quick glance he shot at Near was futile; the boy's attention was focused on a puppet.

"No, it damn well does _not_!" shouted Mello, only just realizing that his clothing currently consisted of boxers and…well, boxers. "NEAR. I'm going to goddamn _murder_ you; do you hear me?! I have a gun! Hah! Do you think I wouldn't be prepared!" A sudden thought struck him gleefully. "I have _Matt _in the next room! …MATT."

Near fiddled with the finger puppet in his hand. "I believe Matt's preoccupied, Mello," he informed him. "'Bubble Bobble Revolution' if I'm not mistaken. Does that sound right?"

"Matt—Matt would never ditch me for—" Mello stopped himself and groaned. For all he knew, Near could have damn well _passed_ Matt in the lounge and his friend wouldn't have looked up from his game. "Well…it's three am!"

"Yet here we are." Near's tone was even. "Gevanni, can we leave, please? I'm quite tired."

"How did you even tie me up without _waking me_?" Mello glowered, staring at Near. Mello wasn't a light sleeper by nature, but it was something he'd had to learn, if only for—Oh, _God_. The puppet Near was playing with was meant to be _him_? That was creepy, if nothing else.

"Gevanni is excellent with his hands," answered Near tonelessly. It took Mello a moment to realise he was speaking, but when he did, he choked.

"I'm going to _kill_ you, Near," Mello said threateningly. "I'm going to damn well _shoot you_ and then I'm going to _stuff _that Optical Pride up your goddamned—"

"Please don't give Mello back his gun, Gevanni," sighed Near.

Mello scowled.

-

**IIII**

The fourth incident arrived quickly after the third. Mello was still in Near's _custody _as the bastard liked to call it, residing at the S.P.K's headquarters. _Not _by choice. At least he'd been given his own room, though, even if it _was _locked all the time and even if there _was _just a giant smiley face pasted onto the wall where the windows should have been. Near _was _paranoid, wasn't he?

At this particular moment, however, Near was on the floor with his Lego. Mello had been watching him for three long hours—being tied to the couch, he didn't have much choice in the matter. The only good thing he could say about the situation was that he had a constant stream of chocolate—_good _chocolate, too—even if Near _had _tried to feed it to him. They'd ended up settling on a compromise—Mello was allowed out of his hands' bindings to eat on the condition that a) Rester was allowed to keep his gun up and aimed at him while he ate, b) absolutely _no_ Lego would suffer and c) Mello would not try to escape. Personally, Mello thought Near should know better on the last point, but he justified it by realising he probably _did_—the freak probably just cared more about his Lego.

(Then there was the first—how much trouble was Mello _really_ expected to make with a gun fixed on him constantly? Matt had been absolutely _no help _whatsoever. Thanks to Near, he knew Mello was safe. Also thanks to Near, he had thirty-seven new games to occupy him.)

"Mello," said Near and he stared at the green block in front of himself thoughtfully. "Have you given any thought to Kira case recently?" Mello watched him, gaping, as he replaced it with a light blue one. How much attention did that tower _honestly _need?

"I've been too busy trying to find a way _out_, you moron! In case you hadn't realised, there's not a lot I can do right now." Mello scowled at Rester before defiantly sinking his teeth into a piece of chocolate.

"How would you feel about furthering the investigation?" Near didn't even look at him. "I'd like to work with you on this, Mello. I understand that you declined the first time, but—" He paused, twirling a strand of hair around his finger. "—the situation has changed."

"_That's _what you're calling my kidnapping?" Mello scoffed. "Do you even understand that this is a crime? Do you think _Matt _won't come and look for me?!"

"I understand that you're not averse to crime in advancing your own work, Mello," replied Near. Apparently the idea of Matt coming to rescue Mello wasn't worth deigning an answer. "This, however—is something that could be beneficial to both of us."

Mello glared at the back of Near's head. There really _wasn't _a way out of this. Maybe he _could _use the situation to his advantage, though. "Fine. If you need my help so badly, have it. But—" Mello smirked. "—you have to remove the ropes."

Near was silent for a moment and though Mello couldn't see his face, he knew Near was thinking. "…That sounds agreeable," he answered finally and Mello was taken aback.

"What? Just like th—" Mello's voice was loud and almost offended, as well as quickly drowned out by Rester.

"Near, are you sure…?"

"Please don't question my judgement, Rester," came Near's soft voice. "I would like Mello's cooperation in this investigation. Would you mind untying him, please?"

"…" Rester sighed and nodded, moving forward with his gun in his hands. Mello's hands were free already, obviously, but his feet were still just as bound as he was to the chair. Rester undid the ropes quickly before stepping back, gun trained on Mello.

Near still hadn't turned around. His attention remained on the Lego.

"If you do anything, I'll shoot," Rester told Mello.

Mello glared back. His palms were _itching _to just grab the gun and leave, but he knew—with the thing currently pointed at him—that it probably wouldn't be a good idea. Well…no bother: Near had a stupid spot, apparently; _that _was good to know. He'd have plenty of time for escaping later.

"About the investigation, then," Mello said loudly. "What did you want my input for?"

Near placed a careful block on top of the tower before replying. "I thought," he began slowly, "that we would do a slight roleplay. If this is not amenable to you, Mello, please tell me."

Mello shrugged carelessly. _Everything _seemed better with the prospect of getting away from Near, even if he _was _impatient. "Sounds fine. What?"

Near stood up. His white socks padded softly against the ground as he turned to face Mello, his face perfectly blank even as he claimed, "I appreciate you agreeing. You'll be Kira, Mello, and I'll be L." Near paused thoughtfully." Let's play the bit where they were handcuffed together."

There was a quiet coughing sound in the background. Rester shifted slightly.

Mello could do nothing but stare as his hand was locked in against Near's. The smaller boy didn't seem particularly concerned with the fact that he was practically _assaulting _an ex-Mafia leader—actually, Near appeared oblivious. After a moment, he stepped back, yanking on the chain for good measure. He seemed satisfied when Mello's hand gave a little jerk.

"This…you are fucking _insane_…" Mello informed him, growling in frustration when this failed to provoke a reaction. Then, "…When was L handcuffed to Kira?"

Near blinked.

-

**IIIII**

The fifth and final time Near shocked Mello took place on a roof.

"You're crazy," Mello told him. "You've utterly _lost it_. The American government are paying for _this_? Fucking _seriously_?" He took a desperate bite of chocolate. "God. No. You're goddamned CREEPY. Argh. Why do you even _have _these handcuffs?"

After eight days straight, Mello's ranting was beginning to lose its effect—and emotion. Near remained, as always, unaffected by it all.

"I take care to be prepared."

"But _what happened to—_" Mello halted, taking a deep breath and beginning again. "—the…'roleplay'. What was the point of this?"

"I'm hopeful of it improving my thinking process. You should try the same, Mello," chided Near.

Mello gritted his teeth angrily in reply. He would have liked to have _thrown _Near off the damned roof and quite happily would have done so had they not been, at present, _chained together_. Which was, as he'd already informed Near, rather creepy and not particularly acceptable to society.

Well, thought Mello, not at _all _acceptable to society. He supposed the Mafia was a different case altogether.

"…I am wondering if Mello is upset." Near stared at the puppet in his hands. "The investigation could admittedly be better, at present, but—"

"I'm _upset _because I'm chained to YOU!" Mello yelled, stamping his boot-clad feet against the concrete. "You don't seem to _realise _I could damn well _kill you_ right n—"

Mello stopped. He—he had…the chain; he could easily overpower—

"Near," he said and he grinned. "I'm going to kill you."

Near sat passively as Mello crawled over to him, not even bothering to meet his eyes. Mello, on the other hand, was ecstatic—if not a little irritated by the lack of a reaction. This was _it_, he decided, pushing Near against the ground. All he had to do was manoeuvre the chain around his neck, the best he could when it was attached to both their wrists—yes, that's it; tighten it a little—

He stared at Near triumphantly. The white-haired boy's eyes were pressed shut—he couldn't have been that comfortable with Mello on top of him. _Hah_. He was finally about to kill Near…

"Having—having Mello above me is not entirely unpleasant," said Near slowly. The words seemed difficult to get out and his eyes were still shut but Mello recoiled at once, horrified.

"What—what?" Mello shouted and he released the mass of chain that was clutched in his hand. "I'm about to _kill you_, Near!"

Near's eyes flickered open, his expression mildly disappointed. "…If Mello says so," he answered dispassionately.

Mello slammed his hand into the ground in frustration. "I HATE YOU!" he shouted. "I HATE YOU; DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Mello. Get off," a sharp voice ordered. Mello scowled darkly—it was another one of Near's lackeys: Lidner. He wasn't in the mood to deal with her. "I'll—"

"Please excuse us, Lidner. Mello and I are busy." Near's voice was perfectly controlled, despite the fact that he had almost been choked. "Do you mind leaving us alone?"

Mello groaned inwardly. He could _feel _Lidner's eyes on them, surveying the situation. "LIDNER," he said harshly. "I do NOT want to be left alone with this psychopath. Leave me here and I'll kill Near. Do you understand?"

She hesitated.

"I have the situation under control, Lidner." Near, that _bastard_. "Please leave."

Mello waited a few moments until he was certain she'd gone. His gaze, on Near, was furious. Near stared back just as apathetically.

"I am wondering if L and Kira experienced this," contemplated Near. He twirled a strand of hair thoughtfully. His eyes were focused on the sky. "…Mello. Do you think that they were on a roof?"

Mello gritted his teeth.


End file.
